Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
