I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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