we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
