My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
