Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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