nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
