the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
