my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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