dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
