forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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