You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
