you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my shit smells like andre
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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