Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
