Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
