So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
