i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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