this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
