How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
