I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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