I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
