My sheets look like a crime scene.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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