me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
