You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
