he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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