So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
