I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
