sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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