I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
