I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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