is your mom at the bar?
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
