Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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