I just saw a hot homeless man
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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