I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
