The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Randomize
