i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
