I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it hurts more in the daytime
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
