guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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