Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
