I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
