I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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