Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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