What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was like getting head from an anaconda
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
