I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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