can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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