nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
