Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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