I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
