I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
