Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
