My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
