At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Quick, to the slutcave!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
