don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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