I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
