I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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