He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
