I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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