You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
