Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
