I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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