Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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