My first STD was from a foam party
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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