I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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